fight to rest.

i just feel like writing. nothing in particular quite yet but here goes.

i love Jesus. it's been the most amazing ride from age 14 on. i think the thing i love about Him most is He is a redeemer. in all those times i try to figure things out or feel poorly because my inept ways don't quite make the cut....i take heart because He is a Redeemer. breathe.

i was reading in numbers this morning, going through the vast regulations that were so prevalent in the old covenant. i found myself thinking "why would the Lord ever put in place something that He knew wouldn't work?" i'm sure you, as a deep student of philosophy, have thought this before. i have too. yet i rarely sit around long enough to hear about it. my thought (among many) was because it allowed a table for which the Lord could show our need for a saviour. an alter if you will. an alter built from rules, regulations, to do's, and blood. lots of blood. insert the once-for-all atonement and it means so much more. this atonement that broke the alter and rent the curtain in two. if we never truly saw what life would be like if there was no sacrifice then maybe we never would appreciate isaiah 53. i actually (admittedly) thought it would probably be easier to have such set rules so you knew exactly what to do. which leads me to my next point.....

from there i move towards how quickly my little mind runs back to regulations (the old covenant). and loves to keep people on that track as well. something i absolutely love about my roommates is that they are so free living. if the house isn't clean, the pillows are in disarray, and the hair dryer is not put up.....they are completely ok. me on the other hand, am sitting in the corner, conversing with my o.c.d. and begging it to give me a break for 2.5. i was reminded of that this morning as i was reading in numbers, how my particular ilk leans to rules. this is one of the things i am learning while i live with these amazing, and largely different from me, roommates. to let go. to be free. to breathe. i know this sounds simplistic, but to me it was revelation. i am learning to give it up. to let the Lord govern my thoughts more than i ever thought i needed. to be myself. to be the woman the Lord created. freed.

i see that freedom is so much more. and some of us (namely, me) have to fight for it a bit. fight to rest. fight to be free. fight to live. just like israel and canaan. the Lord showed the promised land and then told them to go fight for it. wow.

i heard a pastor say that if you aren't resting in a fight you don't know the Lord's strength. so Lord i ask for rest amidst the swarm of thoughts and doubts. grace to rest in Your kindness.

amen.