Thursday, November 13, 2008

i heart take thee mind

it has come to my attention as of late that there is a great divorce within me. no, i'm not talking about between a man and a wife or some residue from my parents' mishaps. i'm talking about between my heart and my mind. these two rather independent 'organs' contained within this one body have decided they have irreconcilable differences and have gone their separate ways. the lawyers have been hired, the papers signed, and the estate split. 

you see, my mind knows the Lord is a provider. this cheesecake is fattening. that guy is bad news. but my heart (the trickster that she is) deems the complete opposite. from the same mouth that spouts 'chin up, jamie' scripture can often speak disappointment and mistrust. within my head, i have relegated years of scripture study and reverent submission, yet this wayward heart continues to ebb and flow just like our united states stock market.  

the sad fact is that my heart doesn't want to be married to my mind. it would rather be 'free'... relinquishing the great and more for the sad and less. well heart, the grass isn't greener my friend. it would actually rather skip over feelings and clean house all day rather than say 'that hurts.'  did i mention my heart hates defeat? 

insert mind. my mind knows that God is good. that He can't not be good. if this is God's goodness then so be it. my mind knows this, yet why can't my heart reunite with it? 

this divorce has broken my hypothetical family and i am slowly but surely orchestrating the renewing of vows between a heart and a mind. unified diversity is what i like to call it. they might have varying opinions but these differences can create a majestic synergy that brings life. yes, Lord. 

i heart take thee mind....

"Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; today I declare that I will restore to you double." Zechariah 9:12

Monday, November 10, 2008


i've seem to run into a place in life where you are constantly on the brink. your next job, your next boyfriend, your next passion, your next song, your next jump. i seem to be in the perpetual limbo of the next. not that it's bad, good, easy, or scary. but mainly that it's all so uncertain and not at all what i thought my life, at this point, would resemble. i would like to say that this time is all delicious ambiguity and the Lord is setting me up for the next great adventure into the unknown, but i find myself relinquishing it all to lethargy. i know that it's a matter of time before it will all be figured out. the questions will be answered. the mysterious will be familiar. the waiting will be a dance. but until then, i find myself simply waiting. and wishing my heart would catch up with my mind.

waiting. what a horrid word. but i know there has to be some goodness in it. it's sprinkled throughout scripture, infused in Christian literature, and seems not to be going anywhere anytime soon. earlier this year, i read a book called "when the heart waits" by sue monk kidd (not meaning "where is my husband") which has rocked my go-getter-self to the core.  mrs. kidd argued that waiting is a key ingredient in our spiritual recipe, which has been omitted from our fast-paced, want-it-now society. a society that has slowly, yet surely, seeped into our churches. she likened not waiting to abortion... interrupting the process of incubation in the midst of a tender (and necessary) growth process. 'everything incubates in darkness' she says. 'waiting is a verb' she comments. so now i face a time where i have challenged my heart to see the good in the waiting. see the good in the brink. and see the good in the rest that my heart and mind must lounge in the bosom of this amazing, patient God of mine. in fact, i like the word 'lounge' better than 'wait'....those that lounge, will their strength be renewed. rest. watch. drink it in. 

ahh lounge.