so i've been thinking about this whole love thing. i really haven't had much to write about in the blogging world because i've been chewing so much on the below post. and where chewing on an idea for long renders it tasteless, meditating on love has yielded something deep. something that is moving me. loving, not to be loved, but because we are called to. loving with no expectations. it's a scary thought to this poor heart, but something the Lord has been challenging me with. touche!
with that said, i have another thought that developed yesterday. here's the part where i would love to have comments if there were more than three readers to my blog. i digress. as i was pondering why we as broken, hurting human beings build walls to those around us, several questions formed. is it protection? is it assumption? is it fear? is it habit? a recipe of all four ingredients? and what do our logical minds think will benefit us from said wall building?
all this pondering reminds me of the walls of jerusalem. one of the more beautiful sights i have ever seen. they were built post 70AD destruction and remain to this day. they are a signpost of wars gone by, however remaining amongst an ancient city riddled with wars and rumors of wars (matthew 24:6). so here you have a city with walls built to protect, yet you have an enemy that has outgrown the city's meager, antiquated tactics for defiance. and the barricades remain.
translate this to your own heart. building battlements in memory of previous wounds and in preparation for potential blows. we, as citizens of the fallen world, are taught to protect or be killed. and at whatever cost. yet i see how (as i have mistakenly believed i am my sole protector) i have in fact become it's prisoner. you see, as i have manufactured ramparts, i have carelessly surrounded myself and become captive in my own deception. i, like countless others, have built walls for an enemy whose arsenal cannot be ceased. battlements that are more tourist attraction than buffer.
insert Jesus. the One who speaks of love without fear. love without hope for return. just love. what a freeing thought...to relegate your protection to The Protector and just love as He did. with no thought or expectation of love, pride, rejection in return. to the One whose name is Warrior. i want to love like that. love like Him. and in turn, grasp the hand to take me out of the den to a new kind of encounter with Him and with others.
and in doing so, i have realized the salve for years of heartache is not to retreat, build walls, or lay prostrate, but to love more. the very opposite of what all your intelligence is relaying. to surprise your enemy with a new weapon. an ageless, defenseless weapon that is always sharp. always on target. always His.
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
looks like love
"I wont run when it looks like love
I won’t hide beneath the fear
Of how my past has come undone"
"Looks Like Love" by needtobreathe
it has come to my attention as of late that in each personal relational style there is harbored a link to the past. now for what you might know of me, i'm not so into the whole "let's dig up all our past wounds and nurse them all the while gaining new wounds and have to do it again" movement...BUT i am a proponent of when the Holy Spirit awakens your heart to a place where He wants to smooth. the past couple months have been a glorious yet revealing time in my heart where the Holy Spirit has shed light on some habits i've so carefully swept under the proverbial rug.
knowing that this will be an unending cycle, i have actually taken off the big girl pants and become like a child. and it has been an adventure of the heart. i actually go through circumstances with the Lord rather than slap a few memory verses on the issue like a bandaid. done! move on! yet the Lord has so generously given me a crucible as to which i have been broken on. broken to feed more people.
what i am trying to communicate is that i have fear of love. a fear that has been covertly crippling the way i communicate with and love others. the masks. the shame. the wounds. they are very real, yet my God says He is bigger.
so now i have chosen to trust the Lord. trust Him as my protector. my provider. my saviour. what if i actually say what i mean and *gasp* people know what i am really feeling? what an astounding point! what a revelation! now to you it might be small potatoes but to this gal, it's big time.
insert lyrics from needtobreathe. i was riding in my car, windows down of course, and their song "looks like love" came on the shuffle. and that was it....they read my mail. it's a challenge to the heart and a bane to the ego. one of which i long to face with the Lord's help. and help He will.
i am thankful for a saviour who is patient and always good. i am thankful for the Author of Love kissing me first. teaching me. i am thankful. hopeful. His.
selah.
"There is no fear in love, for Perfect Love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18
I won’t hide beneath the fear
Of how my past has come undone"
"Looks Like Love" by needtobreathe
it has come to my attention as of late that in each personal relational style there is harbored a link to the past. now for what you might know of me, i'm not so into the whole "let's dig up all our past wounds and nurse them all the while gaining new wounds and have to do it again" movement...BUT i am a proponent of when the Holy Spirit awakens your heart to a place where He wants to smooth. the past couple months have been a glorious yet revealing time in my heart where the Holy Spirit has shed light on some habits i've so carefully swept under the proverbial rug.
knowing that this will be an unending cycle, i have actually taken off the big girl pants and become like a child. and it has been an adventure of the heart. i actually go through circumstances with the Lord rather than slap a few memory verses on the issue like a bandaid. done! move on! yet the Lord has so generously given me a crucible as to which i have been broken on. broken to feed more people.
what i am trying to communicate is that i have fear of love. a fear that has been covertly crippling the way i communicate with and love others. the masks. the shame. the wounds. they are very real, yet my God says He is bigger.
so now i have chosen to trust the Lord. trust Him as my protector. my provider. my saviour. what if i actually say what i mean and *gasp* people know what i am really feeling? what an astounding point! what a revelation! now to you it might be small potatoes but to this gal, it's big time.
insert lyrics from needtobreathe. i was riding in my car, windows down of course, and their song "looks like love" came on the shuffle. and that was it....they read my mail. it's a challenge to the heart and a bane to the ego. one of which i long to face with the Lord's help. and help He will.
i am thankful for a saviour who is patient and always good. i am thankful for the Author of Love kissing me first. teaching me. i am thankful. hopeful. His.
selah.
"There is no fear in love, for Perfect Love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18
Friday, April 3, 2009
sun
there are few things i love more than good weather, brown skin, warm water, engaging book and good music. yes, i am speaking of that illustrious day of laying out by the pool (or any body of water for that matter). as i was getting ready this morning, my roommate invited me to spend a day o' sunnin' with her and her friend. um, yes please! i cannot even describe to you the freedom that jumped in my heart as i thought about tomorrow's beautiful day of nothing. and with so much that has hopped on my plate and into my vision, this gift of a wonderful day has already given me hope for good things.
if you know me in the slightest, you know i am a perpetual deep thinker which oftentimes yields itself more trouble than it's worth. i envy those blogs out there which seem so carefree and jovial. i envy the people behind the crafty words of wit and humor. so tomorrow, i'm taking a "i-think-too-much-help-me-for-the-love" break and allowing this mind to lounge. to read magazines with little to no thought. to laugh at nothing. to take a vacation of the mind while my skin begins it's heralded trip to brown-dom.
bring it on sun. bring it on life.
if you know me in the slightest, you know i am a perpetual deep thinker which oftentimes yields itself more trouble than it's worth. i envy those blogs out there which seem so carefree and jovial. i envy the people behind the crafty words of wit and humor. so tomorrow, i'm taking a "i-think-too-much-help-me-for-the-love" break and allowing this mind to lounge. to read magazines with little to no thought. to laugh at nothing. to take a vacation of the mind while my skin begins it's heralded trip to brown-dom.
bring it on sun. bring it on life.
Monday, March 30, 2009
fall or rise
this past weekend was absolutely amazing. i was in atlanta for my best friend from second grade's bachelorette party. knowing that it was going to be 12 girls cooped up in a 2 bedroom condo for 2 days of chaos sounded, well, miserable. but true to form, my assumptions were far from reality. this weekend, in all it's hilarity and tight quarters, was a weekend of freedom.
dancing. laughing. eating. remembering. celebrating.
why freedom you may ask? in the past couple months i have felt so unlike myself for various reasons. old masks here. new masks there. impress this person. work harder for this person. and so on. but enter your best friends from growing up and i found myself in a place of release. i cannot express to you how liberating it felt to be, well, me. these girls KNOW me. they know the brace-faced, bushy haired, tomboy and they still love me. they know the rebel. the angster. the revolutionary. they know it all....and they still love me. they love me when i am polly-put-together and love me when i am susie-screw-up. they still think of me as the same person and love me regardless. it's not even a question. i don't even have to think about if they still love me whether i fall or rise.
all i am trying to portray is an unconditional love that i haven't felt in awhile...or let myself feel rather. a love that a Father has made and loves me to rest in. this weekend was a great reminder that He has made me in His image. i don't have to work for His love. and the weekend showed me where i frequently equate His love to earthly examples. this weekend taught me to shake off the old and herald in the new. and laugh while you do it.
so i thank you girls for being shining examples of the heart and bringing this one even closer to more of Him and His plan.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8
Psalm 16
A miktam of David.
1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
dancing. laughing. eating. remembering. celebrating.
why freedom you may ask? in the past couple months i have felt so unlike myself for various reasons. old masks here. new masks there. impress this person. work harder for this person. and so on. but enter your best friends from growing up and i found myself in a place of release. i cannot express to you how liberating it felt to be, well, me. these girls KNOW me. they know the brace-faced, bushy haired, tomboy and they still love me. they know the rebel. the angster. the revolutionary. they know it all....and they still love me. they love me when i am polly-put-together and love me when i am susie-screw-up. they still think of me as the same person and love me regardless. it's not even a question. i don't even have to think about if they still love me whether i fall or rise.
all i am trying to portray is an unconditional love that i haven't felt in awhile...or let myself feel rather. a love that a Father has made and loves me to rest in. this weekend was a great reminder that He has made me in His image. i don't have to work for His love. and the weekend showed me where i frequently equate His love to earthly examples. this weekend taught me to shake off the old and herald in the new. and laugh while you do it.
so i thank you girls for being shining examples of the heart and bringing this one even closer to more of Him and His plan.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8
Psalm 16
A miktam of David.
1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
spiritual tilex
this morning i was going through my normal bathroom routine....fixing the hair, debating putting makeup on, wishing i didn't wear contacts....and as i began to think about my weekend guests, the innate desire to scrub everything in my bathroom astounded me. i dropped everything, even though my proverbial time crunch was beckoning, and ran to grab the tilex and scrubbing bubbles (dear loyal friends of mine). have to clean! have to clean! emily and katie beth are coming! have to clean!
after positioning the entire bathroom for the speediest scrub down this side of the mason dixon, i felt a check in the ole spirit. i've come to recognize the check and the Lord laughing a little at me, in hopes of teaching me something. i'm sure i inserted a quick quip or two in before i decided to succumb to, you know, the maker of the universe and all.
He began to speak to me about why i like to clean so much. why i like to fix things. why i like to fix things in me. they were gentle, yet keenly targeted questions (in true Jewish fashion) at 8am. and i began telling Him that i like everything to be really clean for my guests. i want them to feel like i prepared for them. that they didn't drive 2 hours for mildew, dog hair, and wine stains. so during my well-programmed soliloquy, the Lord drops something in my heart. He began to teach me that this is why He has placed confession in our lives. because, as humans, we like to have things in order, almost to earn love or earn friendships. we like to have our lives scrubbed with tilex to make sure those we desire will continue to see us in our utmost state of 'perfection.' but confession allows for us to say "here's the ugly and you still love me? genius!"
it's a marvelous system for those of us who struggle with the law vs. grace. so now my challenge is to put the sponge and disinfectant down, let those people love me and i them, and dance because the Saviour made it this way.
i like this real love thing.
after positioning the entire bathroom for the speediest scrub down this side of the mason dixon, i felt a check in the ole spirit. i've come to recognize the check and the Lord laughing a little at me, in hopes of teaching me something. i'm sure i inserted a quick quip or two in before i decided to succumb to, you know, the maker of the universe and all.
He began to speak to me about why i like to clean so much. why i like to fix things. why i like to fix things in me. they were gentle, yet keenly targeted questions (in true Jewish fashion) at 8am. and i began telling Him that i like everything to be really clean for my guests. i want them to feel like i prepared for them. that they didn't drive 2 hours for mildew, dog hair, and wine stains. so during my well-programmed soliloquy, the Lord drops something in my heart. He began to teach me that this is why He has placed confession in our lives. because, as humans, we like to have things in order, almost to earn love or earn friendships. we like to have our lives scrubbed with tilex to make sure those we desire will continue to see us in our utmost state of 'perfection.' but confession allows for us to say "here's the ugly and you still love me? genius!"
it's a marvelous system for those of us who struggle with the law vs. grace. so now my challenge is to put the sponge and disinfectant down, let those people love me and i them, and dance because the Saviour made it this way.
i like this real love thing.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
poignant
my dearest friend, emily young, wrote this for me today and i thought it was so poignant i would feel remiss if i did not share:
"Were it not for the enemy none of us would feel the need to protect or harden our
hearts. To love freely and with abandon- as we are called to do. Jesus did, so we should too. It sounds simple, and though it's not that black and white, I think it can be. Of course a little within the lines, but feeling ashamed to admit the desires of you heart is too much pressure to put on yourself. I think as humans the hard part about loving with abandon is that we expect something in return. Maybe not even love back. Sometimes we just expect rejection (i.e. when we assume the worst). If we obey the call to truly love others freely with abandon, we do so for the Glory of God. And in that, I think there are no regrets."
lovely.
check her blog out: www.embyoung.wordpress.com
"Were it not for the enemy none of us would feel the need to protect or harden our
hearts. To love freely and with abandon- as we are called to do. Jesus did, so we should too. It sounds simple, and though it's not that black and white, I think it can be. Of course a little within the lines, but feeling ashamed to admit the desires of you heart is too much pressure to put on yourself. I think as humans the hard part about loving with abandon is that we expect something in return. Maybe not even love back. Sometimes we just expect rejection (i.e. when we assume the worst). If we obey the call to truly love others freely with abandon, we do so for the Glory of God. And in that, I think there are no regrets."
lovely.
check her blog out: www.embyoung.wordpress.com
fight to rest.
i just feel like writing. nothing in particular quite yet but here goes.
i love Jesus. it's been the most amazing ride from age 14 on. i think the thing i love about Him most is He is a redeemer. in all those times i try to figure things out or feel poorly because my inept ways don't quite make the cut....i take heart because He is a Redeemer. breathe.
i was reading in numbers this morning, going through the vast regulations that were so prevalent in the old covenant. i found myself thinking "why would the Lord ever put in place something that He knew wouldn't work?" i'm sure you, as a deep student of philosophy, have thought this before. i have too. yet i rarely sit around long enough to hear about it. my thought (among many) was because it allowed a table for which the Lord could show our need for a saviour. an alter if you will. an alter built from rules, regulations, to do's, and blood. lots of blood. insert the once-for-all atonement and it means so much more. this atonement that broke the alter and rent the curtain in two. if we never truly saw what life would be like if there was no sacrifice then maybe we never would appreciate isaiah 53. i actually (admittedly) thought it would probably be easier to have such set rules so you knew exactly what to do. which leads me to my next point.....
from there i move towards how quickly my little mind runs back to regulations (the old covenant). and loves to keep people on that track as well. something i absolutely love about my roommates is that they are so free living. if the house isn't clean, the pillows are in disarray, and the hair dryer is not put up.....they are completely ok. me on the other hand, am sitting in the corner, conversing with my o.c.d. and begging it to give me a break for 2.5. i was reminded of that this morning as i was reading in numbers, how my particular ilk leans to rules. this is one of the things i am learning while i live with these amazing, and largely different from me, roommates. to let go. to be free. to breathe. i know this sounds simplistic, but to me it was revelation. i am learning to give it up. to let the Lord govern my thoughts more than i ever thought i needed. to be myself. to be the woman the Lord created. freed.
i see that freedom is so much more. and some of us (namely, me) have to fight for it a bit. fight to rest. fight to be free. fight to live. just like israel and canaan. the Lord showed the promised land and then told them to go fight for it. wow.
i heard a pastor say that if you aren't resting in a fight you don't know the Lord's strength. so Lord i ask for rest amidst the swarm of thoughts and doubts. grace to rest in Your kindness.
amen.
i love Jesus. it's been the most amazing ride from age 14 on. i think the thing i love about Him most is He is a redeemer. in all those times i try to figure things out or feel poorly because my inept ways don't quite make the cut....i take heart because He is a Redeemer. breathe.
i was reading in numbers this morning, going through the vast regulations that were so prevalent in the old covenant. i found myself thinking "why would the Lord ever put in place something that He knew wouldn't work?" i'm sure you, as a deep student of philosophy, have thought this before. i have too. yet i rarely sit around long enough to hear about it. my thought (among many) was because it allowed a table for which the Lord could show our need for a saviour. an alter if you will. an alter built from rules, regulations, to do's, and blood. lots of blood. insert the once-for-all atonement and it means so much more. this atonement that broke the alter and rent the curtain in two. if we never truly saw what life would be like if there was no sacrifice then maybe we never would appreciate isaiah 53. i actually (admittedly) thought it would probably be easier to have such set rules so you knew exactly what to do. which leads me to my next point.....
from there i move towards how quickly my little mind runs back to regulations (the old covenant). and loves to keep people on that track as well. something i absolutely love about my roommates is that they are so free living. if the house isn't clean, the pillows are in disarray, and the hair dryer is not put up.....they are completely ok. me on the other hand, am sitting in the corner, conversing with my o.c.d. and begging it to give me a break for 2.5. i was reminded of that this morning as i was reading in numbers, how my particular ilk leans to rules. this is one of the things i am learning while i live with these amazing, and largely different from me, roommates. to let go. to be free. to breathe. i know this sounds simplistic, but to me it was revelation. i am learning to give it up. to let the Lord govern my thoughts more than i ever thought i needed. to be myself. to be the woman the Lord created. freed.
i see that freedom is so much more. and some of us (namely, me) have to fight for it a bit. fight to rest. fight to be free. fight to live. just like israel and canaan. the Lord showed the promised land and then told them to go fight for it. wow.
i heard a pastor say that if you aren't resting in a fight you don't know the Lord's strength. so Lord i ask for rest amidst the swarm of thoughts and doubts. grace to rest in Your kindness.
amen.
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